Every Now and Then

Every now and then, I go to bed late at night, besides, I feel this massive state of just pure joy. I feel safe and calm and lucky to get to spend another day filling it with beautiful things and it’s all you can ask for.

But then the clocks strikes at 4 a.m. and BANG!, my eyes are wide open, my heart is pounding like a beating clock and there are just too many people and vehicle outside. I hear every sound in the whole area and I can see the ray of lights coming from the post lights onto my window. I turn around; try to calm my breath, focus. It’s all okay, it’s all okay, and you’re just tired, go back to sleep.
But the emotion won’t go away and I sleep in an anxious state the rest of the night, half open eyes and slightly on the edge.

The morning comes and I try to greet it with kindness. Be kind to me, okay? Even just for today, please! I think of all the things I can do today, to be kind, to myself. I can go to my favorite tea shop, read a book, or check all of my emails and just be still. Summer is already near, and thinks of all the wonderful things ahead! and…
but the sun is shining way too bright and people are everywhere I don’t know where to go with myself and my room is too small and messy, plans too many and I can’t hold one at a time and everything flies too fast. My heart keeps beating twice my step and I’m worried
about what??
I have NO IDEA!!!

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Sun is shining way too bright.

But the anxiety is creeping up and my chest tightens and I lock myself in the bathroom to breathe. I escape anywhere, whoever I’m with when this happens and I still don’t know why it keeps happening but it does and I just get so damn sad and worried and uneasy and I can’t stop it.

It’s Thursday. It’s April. I made coffee. Eat snacks.
People went to their jobs and kids went to their school this morning, knowing where to put their minds on days like this and on days like this I really wish I had somewhere to put my body and motivate my mind because choice is a freedom that can suffocate you if you don’t know how to handle it
and on this day
I don’t know how to handle it.

At times we just have to make it through the day. That’s okay. It is more than fine.

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